A Year in My Life

I wish I could say that this past year has been easy, but truthfully it has been the most extricating, difficult year that I had went through in a very long time. I have experience the loss of many things and people. My world fell apart like a supernova. It all began when my Grandpa passed away last March. His passing broke me, I remember spending days curled up in my bed, crying, and being sad for days on end. I have been replaying a lot of our memories in my head. I have a lot of pictures that I look at when I miss him.

He truly was an amazing person. Everyone loved him and he was everyone’s best friend. He is so missed, but he is forever in my heart. I think about him all of the time.

I had tried taking on a retail job. I have normally just done jobs in the food industry, so it was difficult in the beginning. After months, I have been managing just fine. I have worked a few retail jobs before, so I have been using the skills to my new job. I have actually met some really nice people there. It was a hard adjustment, but now I feel like I can get in the swing of things.

And then unfortunately I experienced another loss when my aunt passed away a few months ago. I miss her so much. I feel bad because I haven’t had many chances to see her recently since the whole covid situation. She passed away so unexpectedly. I always wished I was able to spend more time with her before she passed away. But unfortunately that is life. We all have one last day with everyone, we just never know when that might happen. That is why it is important to stay in touch with the people that matter the most. It should also reinforce us to be kind to each other, since we don’t know what our last words may be to someone.

And another loss that I faced last year, was when my boyfriend and I broke up. We still talk from time to time, we don’t hate each other. We are able to be civil about it.

So this explains why I haven’t been that active in the blog universe.

Although the one good thing about last year is that I was able to reconnect with one of my friends from many years ago. I am happy that the universe decided to bring someone that can bring joy in my life despite taking away people. That is the universe’s way of taking the good with the bad.

After all of the losses I had suffered last year, I truly hope that 2022 is the year for me. Things aren’t exactly perfect right now. But I pray for guidance, and for the strength to not allow myself to stay broken. I will try to rebuild myself so I can come back stronger than ever. My life has been so messy and complicated right now, but what matters is how I rebuild myself after these losses. I have big goals for myself. I am excited for all of the things I have planned to do this year. Of course, I would be documenting my goals and dreams on my blog. I do wish to blog more again.

I truly miss all of you. I hope everyone has been doing well. I appreciate any words of feedback, love and prayers. I will try to get back to everyone who comments. Thank you again for understanding.

Difficulties

I have experienced this time after time. It doesn’t get any easier. It still saddens me and it hurts.

I try my best to stay positive but other days it’s difficult. I know the three C’s; you can’t control it, you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it.

Always be supportive and loving.

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Don’t Dwell In Sadness

I have a tendency of allowing myself to dwell sadness. I even let the smallest things bother me. I give my negative thoughts too much power.I know that some of thoughts aren’t true but I still think of them anyway. I think that I’m not good enough, that I’m not lovable and that I underestimate my value from time to time.

I’ve always done this for as long as I could remember.

It is such a difficult habit to break. This is why I turn to happiness because I got tired of wallowing in my negativity and sadness. It sometimes feels like when sadness creeps in I allow it to stay. Even though I try to not to.

When sadness crept into my life in March I started making changes in my life. I began exercising, eating healthy and drinking lots of water sometimes mixing it with either cucumbers or lemons. I also kept up with writing in my journal before I went to bed.

I used to start my day with stretches, eating a healthy breakfast, going for a run, climbing stairs followed by a cool down and a shower.

I made a lot of healthy changes to let go of my sadness.

When my friendship with one of my closest friends was collapsing, it made me feel really sad. It made me think me that I wasn’t good enough. I knew I wasn’t because I did a lot of things that I regret throughout our friendship. I would try to convince myself that those things doesn’t make me a bad person.

A quote that I heard from someone from one of my support groups was that; “All of us has done bad things but we only did them because we had good intentions behind our actions.”

Before I started dating my boyfriend I would talk to him about stuff like this. I also went to support groups to release my sadness. I haven’t been to one in a long time. I used to read my daily readings from One Day At A Time in Al-Anon (Al-Anon is meetings where friends or relatives of the alcoholic can go and seek support from others, guest speakers and from literature) as well as The Language of Letting Go. I really want to start this again.

I felt a lot of the symptoms that a lot of the people experienced in those meetings – guilt, sadness, indecisiveness and many other things.

I have found that these books have been helpful. I enjoy reading them after breakfast. It helps me start the day on the right foot.

Lately I’ve been feeling sad partly because of my uncertainty. I don’t mean uncertainty with my boyfriend or any of my other relationships. I mean career wise. I get nervous about what I should be doing and ponder if it is right for me. I’m a worrier. I doubt myself.

I allowed myself to stay trapped with sadness and not letting happiness rule my day.

I need to believe in myself and trust that everything is under control and that everything happens for a reason even if I may not see now. Nothing bad will happen to me because whatever happens is supposed to happen. This is something that I think of when I worry too much.

I didn’t plan on writing this much, it kind of made me feel like I babbled. But anyway, I am trying to not let my sadness ruin the happiness that I am blessed to have in my life – my boyfriend, family, friends, my job and many more.

I need to continue on making healthy changes for myself. I have written my resolutions for this month that will help me embrace happiness.

Today, I will not allow myself to drown in sadness instead I will let happiness overshadow the darkness. I will try my best to make positive changes in my life. Whenever I am sad I will talk to someone about it or if I am not ready to talk about it, I write it down in a journal until I wish to talk to someone about it. I find it helpful but at the beginning it was a bit scaring.

I won’t let the sorrows of yesterdays ruin my happiness of my tomorrows.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Letting Go

Last week I was sick so I forgot that I didn’t post anything for Buddy Wakefield Wednesday. I apologize for not remembering so here are two posts to make up for it.

“This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.”

I love this quote! It describes a time of my sadness. There were many times where I struggled to let go of a dying friendship and to accept that things were never able to go back to the way they were. It took me a long time to accept this fact but after accepting that truth, it is okay that my friendship ended. It was a difficult to accept and move on. But after many months I was able to move on with my head held high. A lot of things went wrong and I am sorry that things ended for the way they did.

There are times where I think of you and wonder if you are okay. But I am okay that we are no longer friends anymore. It taught me a lot of things that I needed to learn like acceptance of others and that you can’t mold someone into someone that they are not.

It was for the best. I realized that friendship happened for a reason and I am forever grateful for that friendship. If it wasn’t for that friendship I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend and I adore him to pieces. ❤

Summertime Sadness

I love summer. It’s my favourite season but these past two summers haven’t been that joyous. I’ve been feeling a lot of sadness. The start of this summer seemed like a promising summer but now it’s on pause.I hope that it is able to improve for the better shortly.

I often find it difficult to make decisions so I used to ask people for their advice and if I don’t like or want to do their suggestions, I ask another person until I get the response I’m looking. The people I asked advice for basically “co-signed” for my non-sense. If something bad happened after I took “their’ advice I would mentally blame them for what happened.

I realized that what I was doing wasn’t healthy. I am trying to strengthen my own problem solving.skills and to not get mad at other people.

I need to focus on what’s best for me. Not what other people think I should do. I must believe in myself that I am capable to see what it is right and what is wrong. I am the only who can determine exactly how I feel despite that there are times where I don’t even know how I feel. Which is something else I am trying to work on.

But something that I have learnt is that it takes sadness to appreciate the happy moments. And I understand that after feeling sadness I can be ready to experience happiness.

Today, I will allow myself to stop and to think carefully about what to do. I will allow myself as much time as I need to think about what truly is best for me. After all I am the one who has to walk in these shoes.