Letting Go

Last week I was sick so I forgot that I didn’t post anything for Buddy Wakefield Wednesday. I apologize for not remembering so here are two posts to make up for it.

“This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.”

I love this quote! It describes a time of my sadness. There were many times where I struggled to let go of a dying friendship and to accept that things were never able to go back to the way they were. It took me a long time to accept this fact but after accepting that truth, it is okay that my friendship ended. It was a difficult to accept and move on. But after many months I was able to move on with my head held high. A lot of things went wrong and I am sorry that things ended for the way they did.

There are times where I think of you and wonder if you are okay. But I am okay that we are no longer friends anymore. It taught me a lot of things that I needed to learn like acceptance of others and that you can’t mold someone into someone that they are not.

It was for the best. I realized that friendship happened for a reason and I am forever grateful for that friendship. If it wasn’t for that friendship I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend and I adore him to pieces. ❤

Doing Things That Matter

I realized that these posts are written really late – in fact it is in the middle of the night because I was planning on writing my posts whilst my boyfriend brushes my hair but he fell asleep before my hair got brushed. So now it’s still in this messy bun all tangled.

I quietly got out of bed to write these posts. He didn’t notice because he can sleep through anything.

So earlier I was in my boyfriend’s room and his sister was going downstairs and then all you hear is her screaming. Then I came over and I start screaming. She found a lizard on one of the steps.

My boyfriend found this lizard and he was going to drop it off at a pet store but the lizard escaped from the box and he wasn’t able to find it until his sister nearly steps on the poor thing. I named her Liz and I’m not even sure if the lizard is male or female.

Me: OMG! My boyfriend didn’t take this to the pet store!!

She told me that she probably stepped on it before she realized it was a lizard she mistaken it for a leaf.

So we had to think of something quick because we had to depart soon to meet up with her mama. We had to scoop it up somehow so we used a cloth to place him back into this box that my boyfriend threw him in. The box already had air holes. Their brother somewhat lacked concern for our safety. After his sister explained what was happening, he suggested to her that I just sit around watching this lizard. As if my time isn’t valuable.

Then I go to use the bathroom and my boyfriend’s brother’s lizard is in the way so I screamed! Their brother became annoyed because we were screaming. I was startled. He had to grab his lizard and told us; “Why do you guys have to be so extra?”

I messaged my boyfriend; “Thanks for going to the pet store!! -.-”

Later on throughout the day I came back into my boyfriend’s brother’s room and he told me to be careful because his lizard was running around. So as soon as I soon the lizard I started screaming and then his sister from afar started screaming too. He wasn’t impressed.

Then my boyfriend came home and I told him the story and he told me that he started laughing when he read my message. Which I didn’t find funny by the way. I tell him that he told EVERYONE in the house but me. He told his mama, his sister and his brother. He told me that he wanted to find it himself which didn’t happen.

So then later his brother told me to sit down because he wanted me to not to be afraid of lizards anymore. He placed his lizard on my lap. It was… different.

Then later on in the day, his brother wanted to play his game so he kicked us out of our room and he didn’t tell us that we would sleep here in his room since it was only supposed to be two hours top.

I just feel so unprepared. We didn’t colour before going to bed. I wanted to fall asleep differently. I wanted to smell the autumn crisp evening air. A lot of my things are still in the room because it was never supposed to be an overnight thing. It feels weird.

This feels strange for some reason. And now I can’t fall back to sleep but at least I brought my pencil crayons and colouring book. Laugh at me now but colouring has many benefits. Although I can’t use any lightening since I don’t want to startle my boyfriend despite that his lizard startled me. So now I have to settle using this computer screen as my light.

Today, I will not the unknown scare me. Instead I would use them as stepping stones to overcome my fears. I will not let the feelings of being unprepared bring me down.

Thoughts – Eckhart Tolle

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”

This is something I really need to work on. I sometimes think pessimistically because of all of my “What ifs?” and worries. I am striving towards worrying less and bettering myself.

Realization

Today whilst I was reading my Al-Anon book I became inspired.

“Here’s an eye-opening, mind-opening question to ask myself: What am I doing with what I’ve got? Instead of crying over what I don’t have and wishing my life were different, what I am I doing with what I’ve got?

This made me think that I am not everything I can be and that I am not using everything that I have. From this moment on I will use everything that I have to ensure that I am living to my fullest potential.

Let It All Go

“Let it all go from the get go
let go, let God let it go
leave it alone, let it pass
let it be,c’est la vie, whats done is done
hang up on it
land the plane, don’t get on that train
the bus has already left
this too, shall pass

shake it off, cut your losses
bust loose, break free,
its water under the bridge
what comes around, goes around
go around, get over it, get it together
get a grip, get moving, keep moving
move on, move forward, forward march
stop, drop it, squash it, release
relax.

spilled water cannot be poured back.
don’t look back. enough is enough. quit dwelling.
forget it, forgive it, right now, as is.
nothing is against us.

our craving for annihilation will be laid to rest,
with the apocalyptic resentment and the compounding stress.
yes, said the answer.
yes, said the breath.
the consequences are immediate.
so when you breathe,
you might try freeing both lungs up.”

-Buddy Wakefield, Free Air

I absolutely love this. It reminds me to let it all go. Never attach yourself to your past. Embrace the now. “Nothing is against us.” Just breathe. It motivates me to stay mindful and in the moment.

Regrets

I know that it is best to let go of the past and to have any regrets but sometimes I allow myself to get too caught up with the past. It’s the feeling of being stranded in quick sand where you let your past consume and there’s no escape

I’m not talking about my regrets with people it’s just I didn’t get the opportunity to wholly express myself to people whom I care a lot about. I had many opportunities to but choose not to say anything. I knew that I wanted to say was meaningful but for some reason my words were just unable to reach the surface.

I know and have accepted that everything happens for a reason. I understand that. But it’s just at times the reason is unclear. I don’t mean to dwell in all of this uncertainty and confusion.

I didn’t reveal all of my thoughts because of fear. I didn’t want to say something that would negatively effect my rapports with others. I am a very communicative person who loves to talk but for some reason I left a lot of words unsaid. And that saddens me that I didn’t express myself to my full capability.

And now I don’t know if the opportunity would arise again or if it is gone forever.

Today, I will release all thoughts that I am feeling and leaving nothing unsaid. Although I would only embrace my positive thoughts and not the ones that will harm others.

Daily Reading

*Note I’m only revealing my own identity and no one else’s.

Today’s reading from my Al-Anon book, One Day At A Time (which offers a reading for everyday of the year) to remind you of the Al-Anon philosophy and slogans.

For anyone who doesn’t know what Al-Anon is, it is a fellowship for those who have lived or live with active alcoholism and/or addiction (the two often go hand in hand). There are meetings where the person who has been affected by someone’s addiction and or alcoholism can go to get the support from other people who have lived or live with this. And together we can give each other hope and optimism that things will get better.

Let go of your negativity that weighs you down so your butterfly wings can take you far.

But today’s reading really relates to what I am dealing with…

“When our problems enclose us and saturates our thoughts, we find ourselves in an isolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness. We may confide in friends, but underneath we feel nobody understands what we are going through.

Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed. Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences – even a routine household task, well done. For those of us who are fortunate enough to have young lives in our care, we can forget our troubles in devoting loving attention to them and their development. Observing our children is like reading a fascinating and often amusing book!

Today’s Reminder

I may have big troubles but I can, if I will, make them less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things. I will not isolate myself in my problems. I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

‘Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking.'”

-One Day At A Time

Control Is An Illusion

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude towards what happens to you, and in that you will be mastering change rather than letting it master you.”

I definitely needed to hear that today. I have learnt that control is an illusion. Whatever you try to control, actually controls you.

Learning On the Journey

Today I spent some time making plans to improve myself time. I learnt that you don’t need to spend a lot of time and energy to change yourself. Don’t expect change to happen overnight. It’s a daily practice. It takes one step after another to run a marathon. Start slowly and then build momentum.

Today, I will find one way to change my life.