Read This When You Are Angry

Hi y’all. Sorry I haven’t been around much. I have just been going through something the past few days. More on that later.

So, this was a letter I wrote for my boyfriend. The theme was these letters, sealed in an envelope. It says “Open when… You are Sad” Other emotions were when you are happy, when you need motivation, when you are bored, when you need motivation, etc. I had written ten different letters, because it was for our 10 months anniversary.

This is what I wrote for Anger. It include quotes from movies we like, and proverbs I like.

Dear: Boyfriend,

“Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!” -Dory, Finding Nemo

“If you are pateient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” -Chinese Proverb

It’s okay to be mad every now and again. It’s HOW you handle it, that matters. When you’re mad, it’s important to not say something that you do not mean. It’s also important to respect people’s belongings, and feelings.

Allow yourself to be angry, no need to disguise it, or dismiss your feelings of anger. Next learn to sit with your anger. Don’t act on your anger, just sit and think about it. No need to rush your thoughts and or actions. Just sit. Take your time to feel this emotion – feel your heart beat, observe your breath. Meditate with your feelings. Decide you are not looking for a way to get even, or to gain power.

Look back on what kind of mood you were in before the situation (the one that got you mad). It may not have been the incident that is to blame. Ask yourself; “Why is this bothering me so much?” Is it really what someone else did, or are you feeling angry because of what you are interpreting their actions to mean? For example you get mad at someone for not listening, because you interpret it as this person not caring about you. Take a look at your actions. Look for all areas where you may be projecting your own traits onto someone else to get closer to the root of your feelings. Jot your feelings down in a journal. Let it all out.

Now that you’ve spent some time dealing with your anger, initiate a conversation with this person about what bothered you in a way without you expressing your anger in a rude or violent manner. The way to do that is by using; “I feel…” language. This way, you are not assuming this person did something intentionally, or that you come across as assuming something. Another phrase that is beneficial is “It seemed to me like…”. This helps you explain your understanding of the situation without assuming something of the other person. You are simply expressing how their actions make you feel so they have an understanding about how their actions impact you. Resist the urge to bring up other grievances, instead stick to the situation at hand, and discuss those at another time, if you still need to. Validate the person’s perspective. It is important to value the way they see the situation, too. Focus on creating a solution. If your goal is to get the other person to admit that they were wrong, you’re probably end up in a power struggle.

Learn from what you value. This situation taught you something useful about what you value in people. Learn what you need, maybe you needed that lesson, to improve a relationship. Learn from it, own it, act on it. Learn how to communicate clearly. This helps you to fully express yourself in a way for you to be honest. This also helps you to learn how you can improve your response to anger from escalating. Maybe you have learnt to put more space between your feelings, and responses. Next, reflect and learn what you’ll do differently in another situation.

And lastly, forgive. After the person has apologized, one way to finish the conversation is by saying. “I love you. I forgive you.”

“For ever minute you spend being angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

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