My Struggles

I struggle with many things in life. I view myself as a slow learner. For as long as I can remember I have felt like I had to not be myself in order to please others, to fit in, to belong. It would take me awhile to feel acceptance from others.

I tried it but I  felt like my efforts were never “good enough” and no matter how I tried it was never enough. I thought that in order for people to think I am enough and for things to go well that everything had to be perfect.

Being perfect was exhausting. It was nearly impossible to ensure perfection but I still tried my hardest.

I grew a tendency to worry a lot. It felt like a lot of things caused anxiety. I allowed myself to drown in my negative thinking patterns with all of the “What ifs…?” If I had to be “confrontational” with someone regarding an issue I would waste time and energy planning on what I would say and what they would say. That script never went as planned.

I always doubted myself with everything because I was overly concerned with how and what people thought of me. I had no confidence in myself. I couldn’t even make simple decisions. I often made decisions based upon how people viewed me.

I felt that in order for people to like me I had to be perfect. I have heard the saying; “It doesn’t have to be perfect.” more than I can count throughout my life. I feel that there were several of times I have allowed perfection to be the enemy. It had slowed down my growth in many areas where other people strive in.

I’m such a people-pleaser.  I pry on the need to make people happy that I often forget to make myself happy. When people get mad because I try too hard to please them then I get mad because my pleasing others isn’t working.  I am a meticulous person so it can be difficult to finish tasks – even the simple ones. I feel like I have to seek perfection as my way of being able to control things. I like when things go a particular way. I worry too much about perfection and not allowing myself to see that things will be okay.

Since  I lack confidence in myself I can become dependent on others. This doesn’t do any good because often times the people I depend upon leave and I have a difficult time dealing with abandonment. It causes me to feel insecure and have a difficult time trusting others. I try not to get too close to someone in fears that they would hurt me. But then they do something nice so I trust them and then something would happen and they push me away.

This also causes me fear to get close to people because I still struggle with abandonment. My previous friendship was quite pernicious. I have a hard time letting go. For the longest time I allowed myself to sit in despair.

I’ve masked myself a lot hiding how I truly felt, what I thought. I have lived “my” life by allowing others to think things for me in fear of being “wrong” or making the “wrong” choices. I didn’t like to make others to become angry with me. If people were mad I thought it was my fault. I apologize a lot because I don’t like conflict.

I often felt like I didn’t know how to express myself because I’m used to others making those decisions for me that I had a difficult time knowing who I am. Not only would I allow others to belittle me but I’m my worst critic. I’ve said terrible things about myself. I’ve said even nastier things than what others have said about me. I would view myself as not being good enough no matter how hard I tried. Alas I am a work-in-progress. And that is okay. I’m trying to accept that to be human is to be beautifully flawed.

There were days where I didn’t like myself because of how others made me feel. I would compare myself to others. I would rely on others to make me happy. If they failed to make me happy I would mentally blame my feelings of unhappiness because it was their fault that they couldn’t make me feel contentment.

I am now accepting that I’m the only one responsible for my feelings no one else can do that. I am responsible for my feelings and only my feelings, not my best friend’s, not my sister’s. I am working on accepting things as they are and not as a way I wish them to be. The only person I can change is myself. If I want to be happy than I must find it from within. I need to love myself. I can’t seek respect from others if there were times where I don’t respect myself. I am working on forgiving others and for myself for the past in order for me to heal.

I’ve made many stupid mistakes. I need to know that it is okay to make mistakes. It’s part of the journey. I don’t have to be perfect in order for others to love me. I just need to be true to myself.

I need to let go and allow things to happen. Everything that is happening and has happened in my life happened for a reason even if I’m not wise enough to see it.

Holding onto the past is like standing in wet cement and wondering why I haven’t been able to move forward. I must learn to let go and accept that everything is part of the plan for something better.

In order to love others I must love myself first. I can’t take what I don’t give.

The Past Is Just A Shadow

Breathe.

The past is gone.

Accept it.

Let it go.

Move on.

No need to attach yourself to it.

Everything that happened to you

is meant to happen.

Things may not go “your’ way

but it is a gift.

You are given something because you can handle it.

Believe in the journey.

Believe in yourself.

The good times gives you happiness,

the bad times gives you strength.

The sun will always rise.

There were will be times where

the waves will crash upon the shore

but it will calm.

No need to worry.

Life isn’t meant to be lived backwards.

Stay present.

Butterflies don’t go back to being caterpillars.

They spread their wings and fly.

Let go of all of your worries,

negativity, doubts and self-pity.

Don’t allow yourself to sit in despair.

Don’t let the past haunt you.

Free yourself.

No matter how many times the past creeps up

Relax, remember,

the past is just a shadow.

When I Let Go of the Rope…

I attended my first meditative writing workshop last month and this is what I wrote. It was a small gathering of people where we began to listen to a guided meditation and we would have ten minutes to transfer our thoughts onto our journals. Our starting line for that night was “When I let go of the rope…” Although I have slightly revised it a bit.

When I let go of the rope… I will become free like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. I am able to let go of all my worries and have peaceful thoughts. I release my past and my troubles. I escape to tranquility. I become the person I want to be. My dreams become a reality of what I seek for. When I let go of my fears of things that might not even happen I am able to use that energy towards something productive and something inspiring.

When I let go of the rope I realized that I have blisters for holding on too tightly with fears of the unknown. When the pain heals I realize that I am free.

I let go of continuous thoughts that I no longer need. Life is either passed or is uncertain. I learn to accept what is and believe in myself. I trust that my butterfly wings will always be there to save me. I know that I will not fall.

When I let go I welcome more wonderful things and people into my cocoon. My wings are colourful and everyone is able to see my beauty and what I have to offer.

I let go of what no longer serves me. I can feel the breeze. I can let go of everything and that is when I can be myself..

I let go of judgement and insecurities; trusting myself and never giving up. In order to soar and conquer above anything I must learn to let go. When I let go of the rope I am truly free. I am able to transform my worries and doubts into something beautiful that inspires others.

Originally written on Thursday April the 9th, 2015

Positive Minds Live Positive Lives

I would describe myself as a happy-go-lucky kind of gal. Everyone can tell that I’m a very optimistic person. I’m always smiling and laughing and telling the best stories. Even though this may come across as egotistical but I love to think that I inspire others to be positive and to content with themselves.

Although things weren’t always like that. But that’s for another blog post and another day.

I was reading my daily readings one day and I knew that what I had read was something I needed to work on. The reading was about confidence and that whatever happens in life happens to you because you have the strength to do it. I became inspired with what I read so I wrote it down on a piece of paper and took it with me to work. I devoted myself to bring a quote of the day everyday. This has been happening for the past month now and will always continue.

Today my coworker saw me glowing with optimism and he asked;

“Can I ask you a question?”

I replied with; “You just did but you can ask me another question.”

“How are you so positive?”

Hm… I started laughing and smiling.

“No, I’m serious. I’ve always been quite envious of your optimism.”

This is what inspired me to write a blog and to inspire others to become as positive as they want to be. I’ve been meaning to get around to write one but for some reason there was always something in the way.

Well I do a lot of things. I feel like I have to keep my mind busy which helps me get rid of the negative feelings that I allow myself to feel but then later change them because MY feelings are something I can control. If my thoughts are about another person, then I know that it is out of my control. If there is something I can do about it then I do that. If not, I accept that it is something beyond my control so I let it go.

What keeps me positive… Well there are a lot of things. Here’s a list of my Top Ten Things I Enjoy to do to Help Me Stay Positive And Happy

10. Yoga. I do my yoga after breakfast. I’m not sure if that’s the best time but it works for me.

9. Listen to positive music. I love keeping an up-beat environment especially when I organize/clean and de-clutter.

8. Meditate. I try my best to do this but it can be difficult. I like to experiment with various methods such as guided meditation or one that requires me to clear all of my thoughts.

7. Exercising. I love stretches and doing the stairs and going for a run. I enjoy that feeling I feel with all of the adrenaline racing through my veins.

6. Drinking a cup of tea especially when I’m with a friend because of all that we talk about. We share wisdom and knowledge with one another. My favourite is Earl Grey.

5. Laughing. I love to laugh and it keep my spirits up to the best of my ability.

4. Making arts and crafts for people and for myself. My latest art projects have been pillows and quote pages.

3. Cleaning. I love cleaning. It is something that relaxes me. I found that I feel even more relaxed after I clean because my surroundings become more organized.

2. Writing. I absolutely love writing. I journal whilst sipping my sleepy time tea every night before I go to bed. This relaxes me it’s my way of letting go of unwanted fears, thoughts and stuff that I cannot control.

1. Reading. As of lately I love self-help books. I’ve been reading a lot of Melody Beattie. After breakfast (but before yoga) I read from my daily readings that I place on my night table. I love starting my day with a healthy breakfast and a dose of inspiration.

I always get complimented because of my optimism; I am always laughing and smiling whenever I can. I am able to see the positive in everything.

“Do what makes you happy. Be with who makes you smile. Laugh as much as you breathe. Love as long as you live.”

Hello world!

This is your very first post. I’m a work-in-progress. I’m on a pursuit of happiness kind of journey seeking who I truly am. I welcome you on this adventure with me.

I enjoy anything that requires me to be artistic and sociable. I love helping others. Giraffes are my favourite animal. My favourite hobbies of mine are reading and writing and I love cooking as well.

I’ll keep you posted throughout my growth to who I am destined to be.

Happy blogging!