I struggle with many things in life. I view myself as a slow learner. For as long as I can remember I have felt like I had to not be myself in order to please others, to fit in, to belong. It would take me awhile to feel acceptance from others.
I tried it but I felt like my efforts were never “good enough” and no matter how I tried it was never enough. I thought that in order for people to think I am enough and for things to go well that everything had to be perfect.
Being perfect was exhausting. It was nearly impossible to ensure perfection but I still tried my hardest.
I grew a tendency to worry a lot. It felt like a lot of things caused anxiety. I allowed myself to drown in my negative thinking patterns with all of the “What ifs…?” If I had to be “confrontational” with someone regarding an issue I would waste time and energy planning on what I would say and what they would say. That script never went as planned.
I always doubted myself with everything because I was overly concerned with how and what people thought of me. I had no confidence in myself. I couldn’t even make simple decisions. I often made decisions based upon how people viewed me.
I felt that in order for people to like me I had to be perfect. I have heard the saying; “It doesn’t have to be perfect.” more than I can count throughout my life. I feel that there were several of times I have allowed perfection to be the enemy. It had slowed down my growth in many areas where other people strive in.
I’m such a people-pleaser. I pry on the need to make people happy that I often forget to make myself happy. When people get mad because I try too hard to please them then I get mad because my pleasing others isn’t working. I am a meticulous person so it can be difficult to finish tasks – even the simple ones. I feel like I have to seek perfection as my way of being able to control things. I like when things go a particular way. I worry too much about perfection and not allowing myself to see that things will be okay.
Since I lack confidence in myself I can become dependent on others. This doesn’t do any good because often times the people I depend upon leave and I have a difficult time dealing with abandonment. It causes me to feel insecure and have a difficult time trusting others. I try not to get too close to someone in fears that they would hurt me. But then they do something nice so I trust them and then something would happen and they push me away.
This also causes me fear to get close to people because I still struggle with abandonment. My previous friendship was quite pernicious. I have a hard time letting go. For the longest time I allowed myself to sit in despair.
I’ve masked myself a lot hiding how I truly felt, what I thought. I have lived “my” life by allowing others to think things for me in fear of being “wrong” or making the “wrong” choices. I didn’t like to make others to become angry with me. If people were mad I thought it was my fault. I apologize a lot because I don’t like conflict.
I often felt like I didn’t know how to express myself because I’m used to others making those decisions for me that I had a difficult time knowing who I am. Not only would I allow others to belittle me but I’m my worst critic. I’ve said terrible things about myself. I’ve said even nastier things than what others have said about me. I would view myself as not being good enough no matter how hard I tried. Alas I am a work-in-progress. And that is okay. I’m trying to accept that to be human is to be beautifully flawed.
There were days where I didn’t like myself because of how others made me feel. I would compare myself to others. I would rely on others to make me happy. If they failed to make me happy I would mentally blame my feelings of unhappiness because it was their fault that they couldn’t make me feel contentment.
I am now accepting that I’m the only one responsible for my feelings no one else can do that. I am responsible for my feelings and only my feelings, not my best friend’s, not my sister’s. I am working on accepting things as they are and not as a way I wish them to be. The only person I can change is myself. If I want to be happy than I must find it from within. I need to love myself. I can’t seek respect from others if there were times where I don’t respect myself. I am working on forgiving others and for myself for the past in order for me to heal.
I’ve made many stupid mistakes. I need to know that it is okay to make mistakes. It’s part of the journey. I don’t have to be perfect in order for others to love me. I just need to be true to myself.
I need to let go and allow things to happen. Everything that is happening and has happened in my life happened for a reason even if I’m not wise enough to see it.
Holding onto the past is like standing in wet cement and wondering why I haven’t been able to move forward. I must learn to let go and accept that everything is part of the plan for something better.
In order to love others I must love myself first. I can’t take what I don’t give.